Rants from a Cynical Raven

I’ve been gone for awhile, I’m sorry to all those that like to read my blogs but I’ve been trying to pick myself up. April 30, 2010 my father past away. I’m dealing with it how any one else who lost some one they loved would deal with it. Been crying, been depressed, I’m kind of not sure what I’m doing or anything. My father was my best friend, made me what I am today so I feel sort of lost. I’ll be ok eventually, I just don’t know when.

In other news, I’ve decided that I’m going to concentrate on my music. I feel like with all the rush-dating I do to try and find some one I actually want to be with, that I’m just wasting energy that could be used on more productive things. Why am I trying so hard? I should just let it happen so I’ve decided that I need to get hardcore with my drumming. I’ve started taking more lessons (once a week) and I find that I’m really, really happy when I’m lost in the beat. I’m not thinking about anything except the beat and the rhythm. I don’t know what it is about the drums that make me happy, exactly, they just do. My drum teacher is freaking awesome, the man is partially deaf so he watches and feels the beats I make instead of hearing them. He corrects me perfectly and I’m still amazed at how freaking good he is. My band has accepted me back and that makes me happier than anything. I’m still not fantastic at drums (about where I started, honestly) but I know that I can be great and I can’t wait to start making real music with my band mates.

Computers: I have a love/hate relationship with them. Recently I moved into a new room and finally uncovered my pc that I built about 5 years ago. I decided to fire it up to see how it was running. My analysis: Not very well at all. The computer was riddled with viruses but I couldn’t physically find any, I just knew they were there. So after looking through it and then having a friend look through it, I decided to just format the HD. I took everything I wanted off of it anyway, where’s the harm, right? No! Computer refuses to let me format the drive. No matter what I did (even using my external hd as the master) would not let me format it. Finally had to borrow a disc from a buddy of mine (Dr. Sweet, as you know him) and was finally able to force a format of the drive. Not before the viruses burned out my wireless pci…luckily I had a spare, but still, pissed me off XD

FOR THE HORDE!!! So since I got my pc up and running I’ve decided that I’m going to play WoW again…I’ve missed it and honestly I really need to lose myself in something when I’m not playing music. WoW will definitely help me with that. Not to mention that I have a good buddy on my old server and I love her to death. I will run with her once again and WE SHALL OWN ALL!!! I miss my character, too. Yes, she’s a Hunter, but she’s a BADASS Hunter…with outdated gear cause I haven’t played in like…….6 – 10 months? Yeah…any way. This is just my “hey, this is what happened and what I’m up to post.” Hopefully I’ll write more soon.


March 26, 1935 – April 30th, 2010

I love you, daddy


So many of my readers may recall that my father has been rather ill with lung cancer and that Hospice has been handling his case rather well. That is until this past Saturday. It started out like any other day, really, I got up for work, waved goodbye to my father, fed the cats and did my time at work. Afterwards, I visited my friend, we’ll call her “Bird” who is pregnant and is due in a few months. I talked with her and helped with what I could before I was called back by the family for dinner and dad helping. I got home around 7:30-8ish that evening and went right into my fathers’ room to check on him. He was laying flat on his back and breathing very strangely but for the most part seemed to be asleep. I felt uneasy about it but left him alone, my father hadn’t been able to sleep for quite sometime so I thought it was good he was sleeping. I went upstairs to announce my arrival to my mother (at this time my sister and her boyfriend came home with shopping/making dinner stuff) and my mom was surprised that my dad was “still” asleep. Apparently he’d been asleep since 1:30 that afternoon. That wasn’t right at all, but even though my mother and I had concerns we still thought it better to let him sleep.

So while my sister and her boyfriend made dinner I played some God of War and relaxed for a little while. A little while later my sister came in to let me know dinner was ready, she had also expressed her concern for the way my father was breathing but didn’t want to wake him since she isn’t -that- familiar with him. So I got up to go to the kitchen and my mother went to wake my father and ask him if he’d like some dinner. A few seconds later I got a really bad feeling (my mother says she was calling me but neither my sister, her boyfriend, nor I heard her) so following my gut I walked into my fathers’ bedroom. All the lights were on, my mother looked at me and tried to wave me over, my father had his eyes open but nothing was there. You ever read a manga or watch an anime where the character is being controlled and they take the “reflection lines” out of the eyes to symbolize that they are empty inside? I saw that in real life that night. There was absolutely no one inside my fathers’ head.

So my mother and I are trying to wake my dad up “Dad! Dad can you hear me?!” and he would suddenly be there, and stare at me with the most frightened look in his eyes before his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he’d be gone again. My mother was trying to help him sit up and he’d start flailing, like he was having a seizure, but it wasn’t a seizure, and I’d try to get him to wake up. By this time my sister and her boyfriend are in the doorway trying to process what the hell is going on and I am on the phone with Hospice trying to get some one on the phone to send a nurse right cussing now. I cannot describe to you the feeling of watching your father begin to pass away right in front of you and the feeling of helplessness that it brings. I pray that you never have to experience this situation, ever. I left the room to talk to the Hospice operator and my sister and her boyfriend took over with my mother there. I walked back into the room and I guess I missed my mom, she had ran upstairs to put pants on so she could ride in the ambulance (if we were sending for one) Which left us to try and keep my father up, I was on the phone, holding my father in my arms when he started to spasm, I started to cry trying to get this woman on the phone to understand that my father wasn’t responding. My sister (a thousand blessings on you, my sister) took the phone from me and got things done. I was still able to function, I just couldn’t speak. My sisters’ boyfriend was there trying to communicate with my father “what do you need? Tell me, come on” and we tried to keep him awake. At one point, my father looked at me and said “what happened?” before his eyes glazed over and he started to “sink” again. My mother came in, and she got my sisters’ boyfriend to call 911 on his phone. We were going to the hospital. NOW.

My sister, again, bless her, was arguing with the 911 dispatcher trying to get her to understand that we could ask him all the questions she wanted us to ask him but he wasn’t going to respond. My mother and I were still trying to wake my father up…I know this won’t make much sense, but I could see him slipping away. I’ve seen some scary things, been in scary situations, that is the scariest thing I have ever seen or been a part of in my life. My sisters’ boyfriend ran outside to flag down the EMTs and they arrived almost immediately after that, I left my mother in the room with my father and EMTs and decided to get dressed, eat dinner and potty break. When I went back into the room they had my father on oxygen, and he seemed to be doing a little better, but still not aware. When they loaded my father onto the stretcher he fought the EMTs, he had no idea what was happening. We loaded up and all went to the ER after the ambulance. The entire time all I can think is “why? what happened?” my mind was both racing and blank at the same time.

So after waiting what seemed like forever I finally got to go see my father. He was up, looking around, and had no idea who I was for a few seconds. That….hurt….a lot. He recovered and remembered me almost immediately but still…I asked him what day it was. He didn’t know, so my mother asked him what year it was and he got that right, but for some reason he kept thinking it was March. After being there for hours (and have a SHOCKINGLY low blood pressure stabilized) my father got transfered to the SICU to spend the night. He was amazingly loopy, had no idea what had happened but he was on oxygen and in the hospital. He was going to be ok. Before we left the doctor shared the concern with us that my father had O.D.’d on Morphine, the medicine Hospice had told us to give to him. Normally, it’s great for pain, but if it isn’t given a chance to clear out of the system before the next dose it can build up in the body. Which is what happened to my father, almost stopping his heart and slowing down the function of his lungs.

My father came home Wednesday, he’s fully recovered and yelling at everyone again (lol) he’s really weak in the legs, but with exercise he should be ok. My family, needless to say, is very angry and confused at Hospice, and wondering how trained professionals could make this kind of mistake. Not just a mistake, but a huge one. If my mother had not woken my father up, he would have died that night. We are still using Hospice, but we’re having a meeting with them on Monday to figure out what went wrong, why, and if we still want the same team to work with my father. My opinion? Not the teams fault really since all the medications have to go through a doctor first, but they still should have known about the Morphine build up. I will wait for answers before I point fingers, but I am not very happy. I got home at 5 that morning thinking I had almost seen my father die, and had nightmares for two days. Some one better give me an answer.

In happier news, since this incident I have taken a new look on my life and decided that I am finally going to lose the weight I’ve been meaning to lose and eat healthier. I’m going to get out there and try my best and I’m not going to let my drive waver this time. I want to be happy with my body and happy with myself. So I’ve started a diet, and my sister has really jumped on the wagon with me. She’s come up with food ideas and gym schedules that we can take and sis, if you’re reading this, I love you. You are an amazing and fantastic person and I don’t know what I’d do without you. She’s taken shifts with me to help my father get up every 2 hours all night, and didn’t complain once. Everyone give her a round of applause. Oh right…I was talking about my diet!

This is Daruma, he is a symbol of perseverance and good luck. When you have a goal, you make a wish (not really a wish to Daruma but to yourself, he’s just there to give you encouragement) and draw in one eye. Once you reach your goal, you draw in the other eye and then donate him to a temple as a thank you. I did this, and honestly I didn’t know what to expect it to do, I did it more for fun. However, I find myself waking up in the morning and seeing it, and it reminds me of my promise to myself, I also find myself talking to it. So it’s really become the symbol of motivation that it was meant to be for me. Having him look at me with only one eye has really made me feel like I should work hard, not just for me, but once I reach my goal he’ll finally be able to look around with two eyes!! (lol!)

So that’s it I suppose, all that’s happened in the past few days. Oh! Also! Remember my awesome friend “Vin” I was talking about a few posts ago? She’s still awesome! Once she heard about my dad she helped me out by drawing a tattoo design to help me remember/commemorate my father. It is the coolest thing and I don’t want to post it here cause you’ll steal her awesome design!! So I won’t post it until I’ve got it tattoo’d but Vin! YOU ARE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU!! Vin even went to the Japanese market with me to buy Daruma and healthy snacks, cause she’s awesome.  So that’s all she wrote (literally since I’m heading to bed after this) and to all my new friends that I’ve made recently that are trying to keep in contact with me. I am very sorry, I know I’m not very talkative these days and I’m sorry about that, it’s not fair to you and I apologize! Here are some pictures to make you guys smile after my horribly depressing post. Good night!


and last pic!

those crazy Japanese!

et cetera