Rants from a Cynical Raven











So many of my readers may recall that my father has been rather ill with lung cancer and that Hospice has been handling his case rather well. That is until this past Saturday. It started out like any other day, really, I got up for work, waved goodbye to my father, fed the cats and did my time at work. Afterwards, I visited my friend, we’ll call her “Bird” who is pregnant and is due in a few months. I talked with her and helped with what I could before I was called back by the family for dinner and dad helping. I got home around 7:30-8ish that evening and went right into my fathers’ room to check on him. He was laying flat on his back and breathing very strangely but for the most part seemed to be asleep. I felt uneasy about it but left him alone, my father hadn’t been able to sleep for quite sometime so I thought it was good he was sleeping. I went upstairs to announce my arrival to my mother (at this time my sister and her boyfriend came home with shopping/making dinner stuff) and my mom was surprised that my dad was “still” asleep. Apparently he’d been asleep since 1:30 that afternoon. That wasn’t right at all, but even though my mother and I had concerns we still thought it better to let him sleep.

So while my sister and her boyfriend made dinner I played some God of War and relaxed for a little while. A little while later my sister came in to let me know dinner was ready, she had also expressed her concern for the way my father was breathing but didn’t want to wake him since she isn’t -that- familiar with him. So I got up to go to the kitchen and my mother went to wake my father and ask him if he’d like some dinner. A few seconds later I got a really bad feeling (my mother says she was calling me but neither my sister, her boyfriend, nor I heard her) so following my gut I walked into my fathers’ bedroom. All the lights were on, my mother looked at me and tried to wave me over, my father had his eyes open but nothing was there. You ever read a manga or watch an anime where the character is being controlled and they take the “reflection lines” out of the eyes to symbolize that they are empty inside? I saw that in real life that night. There was absolutely no one inside my fathers’ head.

So my mother and I are trying to wake my dad up “Dad! Dad can you hear me?!” and he would suddenly be there, and stare at me with the most frightened look in his eyes before his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he’d be gone again. My mother was trying to help him sit up and he’d start flailing, like he was having a seizure, but it wasn’t a seizure, and I’d try to get him to wake up. By this time my sister and her boyfriend are in the doorway trying to process what the hell is going on and I am on the phone with Hospice trying to get some one on the phone to send a nurse right cussing now. I cannot describe to you the feeling of watching your father begin to pass away right in front of you and the feeling of helplessness that it brings. I pray that you never have to experience this situation, ever. I left the room to talk to the Hospice operator and my sister and her boyfriend took over with my mother there. I walked back into the room and I guess I missed my mom, she had ran upstairs to put pants on so she could ride in the ambulance (if we were sending for one) Which left us to try and keep my father up, I was on the phone, holding my father in my arms when he started to spasm, I started to cry trying to get this woman on the phone to understand that my father wasn’t responding. My sister (a thousand blessings on you, my sister) took the phone from me and got things done. I was still able to function, I just couldn’t speak. My sisters’ boyfriend was there trying to communicate with my father “what do you need? Tell me, come on” and we tried to keep him awake. At one point, my father looked at me and said “what happened?” before his eyes glazed over and he started to “sink” again. My mother came in, and she got my sisters’ boyfriend to call 911 on his phone. We were going to the hospital. NOW.

My sister, again, bless her, was arguing with the 911 dispatcher trying to get her to understand that we could ask him all the questions she wanted us to ask him but he wasn’t going to respond. My mother and I were still trying to wake my father up…I know this won’t make much sense, but I could see him slipping away. I’ve seen some scary things, been in scary situations, that is the scariest thing I have ever seen or been a part of in my life. My sisters’ boyfriend ran outside to flag down the EMTs and they arrived almost immediately after that, I left my mother in the room with my father and EMTs and decided to get dressed, eat dinner and potty break. When I went back into the room they had my father on oxygen, and he seemed to be doing a little better, but still not aware. When they loaded my father onto the stretcher he fought the EMTs, he had no idea what was happening. We loaded up and all went to the ER after the ambulance. The entire time all I can think is “why? what happened?” my mind was both racing and blank at the same time.

So after waiting what seemed like forever I finally got to go see my father. He was up, looking around, and had no idea who I was for a few seconds. That….hurt….a lot. He recovered and remembered me almost immediately but still…I asked him what day it was. He didn’t know, so my mother asked him what year it was and he got that right, but for some reason he kept thinking it was March. After being there for hours (and have a SHOCKINGLY low blood pressure stabilized) my father got transfered to the SICU to spend the night. He was amazingly loopy, had no idea what had happened but he was on oxygen and in the hospital. He was going to be ok. Before we left the doctor shared the concern with us that my father had O.D.’d on Morphine, the medicine Hospice had told us to give to him. Normally, it’s great for pain, but if it isn’t given a chance to clear out of the system before the next dose it can build up in the body. Which is what happened to my father, almost stopping his heart and slowing down the function of his lungs.

My father came home Wednesday, he’s fully recovered and yelling at everyone again (lol) he’s really weak in the legs, but with exercise he should be ok. My family, needless to say, is very angry and confused at Hospice, and wondering how trained professionals could make this kind of mistake. Not just a mistake, but a huge one. If my mother had not woken my father up, he would have died that night. We are still using Hospice, but we’re having a meeting with them on Monday to figure out what went wrong, why, and if we still want the same team to work with my father. My opinion? Not the teams fault really since all the medications have to go through a doctor first, but they still should have known about the Morphine build up. I will wait for answers before I point fingers, but I am not very happy. I got home at 5 that morning thinking I had almost seen my father die, and had nightmares for two days. Some one better give me an answer.

In happier news, since this incident I have taken a new look on my life and decided that I am finally going to lose the weight I’ve been meaning to lose and eat healthier. I’m going to get out there and try my best and I’m not going to let my drive waver this time. I want to be happy with my body and happy with myself. So I’ve started a diet, and my sister has really jumped on the wagon with me. She’s come up with food ideas and gym schedules that we can take and sis, if you’re reading this, I love you. You are an amazing and fantastic person and I don’t know what I’d do without you. She’s taken shifts with me to help my father get up every 2 hours all night, and didn’t complain once. Everyone give her a round of applause. Oh right…I was talking about my diet!

This is Daruma, he is a symbol of perseverance and good luck. When you have a goal, you make a wish (not really a wish to Daruma but to yourself, he’s just there to give you encouragement) and draw in one eye. Once you reach your goal, you draw in the other eye and then donate him to a temple as a thank you. I did this, and honestly I didn’t know what to expect it to do, I did it more for fun. However, I find myself waking up in the morning and seeing it, and it reminds me of my promise to myself, I also find myself talking to it. So it’s really become the symbol of motivation that it was meant to be for me. Having him look at me with only one eye has really made me feel like I should work hard, not just for me, but once I reach my goal he’ll finally be able to look around with two eyes!! (lol!)

So that’s it I suppose, all that’s happened in the past few days. Oh! Also! Remember my awesome friend “Vin” I was talking about a few posts ago? She’s still awesome! Once she heard about my dad she helped me out by drawing a tattoo design to help me remember/commemorate my father. It is the coolest thing and I don’t want to post it here cause you’ll steal her awesome design!! So I won’t post it until I’ve got it tattoo’d but Vin! YOU ARE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU!! Vin even went to the Japanese market with me to buy Daruma and healthy snacks, cause she’s awesome.  So that’s all she wrote (literally since I’m heading to bed after this) and to all my new friends that I’ve made recently that are trying to keep in contact with me. I am very sorry, I know I’m not very talkative these days and I’m sorry about that, it’s not fair to you and I apologize! Here are some pictures to make you guys smile after my horribly depressing post. Good night!

LOL WHAT?!

and last pic!

those crazy Japanese!

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Well I will be the first to tell you that I carry some old scars, scars that I should most likely let go of but for some reason can’t. They cling to my underbelly like some parasite and every once in awhile I feel the tug that signifies it’s sucking away a little more of my life.  Yes folks, it’s going to be one of THOSE posts…

Valhalla High School, my Alma Mater. It will always hold a special place in my heart as a school that changed me forever. I don’t mean in a “hooray my life has new meaning everything is so clear to me now” kind of way. I mean a “oh…so this is how fucked up the world is” kind of way. Here, allow me to give you an example. For those of you who know me, this story is familiar to you, skip ahead please.

Back in my Freshman year of high school I used to take the bus back and forth, my home was quite far from school so I had to take several school buses to get to where I wanted to go. Now, before I say anything further I want it known that I have friends from every social group, from every race, every gender, and every religious preference. I have nothing against these people, it just so happens that this group was bad. On this bus I got on, literally there was nothing but Mexicans on one side of the bus, and Arabic speakers on the other side (I don’t really know what background they were from, but I recognized the Arabic, so really they could have been from every where) any who! Towards the back was 1 Asian boy, and I thought to myself “Self,” I said, “let’s go hang with the only other kid that looks like the odd man out!” and so I did. We chatted for a little bit but for the most part left each other alone.

So the other kids start making fun of the Asian kid. Me, being the person that I am, defended him when common sense would have told me to keep my mouth shut. I suppose I said something that struck a nerve with these people, because the next thing I know I’m pulled out of my seat and thrown onto the floor of the bus. I was kicked, pulled, beat, had glass bottles broken on my back, food stuck in my hair and finally they held me down. Don’t ask me to tell you where the hell they got them, but these kids had giant staples. Like, industrial size staples that they shoved into the back of my neck while they held me down. I was let off the bus at the end of my street and I walked home. I don’t really remember much except thinking that my mother was going to kill me because I got blood on my new school clothes. I remember seeing my dad, or some one, at the house and saying that I didn’t want to ride the bus any more. All in all I received 2 bruised ribs, don’t remember if they were cracked, a bloody nose, I still carry scars on my back from the glass bottles and had to have the staples removed by a physician and if you look you will see the puncture marks on my neck.

My mother, needless to say, was furious and held a meeting with the vice-principal and associates. I won’t go into details, but all they did was say “oh that’s too bad” and did nothing else. My life at that school was hell every day ever since. Literally every day was spent either protecting myself or protecting a friend and the school did nothing about it. A girl in my class killed herself because of all the teasing that went on. No one did a thing about it. Why I didn’t go bat-shit-crazy is still a wonder to me but I suppose that I have my friends to thank for that.

Now, this is years later, and I will not lie I still have nightmares about that day. My mother thinks I should let it go but it’s just something I can’t forget. It’s not fair, and no one else should have to deal with what I had to deal with. The school hasn’t gotten any better, either, if what I hear from the kids currently going there is even remotely true. What’s the point of this post? I’m not sure, it’s something that I just can’t let go of, the teachers were for the most part horrible except for a select few that went above and beyond I guess it just makes me sad/angry that this is still going on. I keep trying to think of ways to help.

In other news, a lot of things are starting to come to my attention, things that just make me amazed at the human race. For starters, how about that fucking earthquake on Easter, huh? I’ve lived in the San Diego my whole life (minus a year) and I’ve never experienced a quake that made me run for cover. I was in Ralphs (again, Kroger for all you out-of-towners) taking my cart down the wine and spirits section and at first I thought that I was going over bumpy linoleum. Until a ripple went up the glass bottles and they all started vibrating. I left my cart and ran, literally bottles crashing at my feet until I got to the end of the isle to the milk and eggs laughing my fat ass off. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed the lights in a super market, but you do when they start swinging back and forth. All I kept thinking was “THEY RAN LIKE GOATS ON FIRE!!” and laughing cause people were freaking out.

Now, was it scary? Sure as fuck was, but I didn’t think it was the end of the world. I didn’t worry about a tsunami, and I didn’t worry too much about aftershocks (though even a week later we’re still feeling some) but people went bat-shit. I have never seen so much mass panic even days later when there really isn’t a cause for panic. At all.

Skip ahead, skip ahead…so people are fucking crazy. I’m sure each of you has something to contribute to that statement, but like it or not the people of this planet are insane. I shall backup my statement with facts.

Fact #1: A Tennessee woman pinned a note to her 7-year-old adopted son back to his home country of Russia alone on a 16 hour flight. BY HIMSELF PEOPLE. Her excuse was that the adoption agency didn’t tell her about his “behavioral problems” and she was misled and didn’t want him any more. Ok…lady…here’s the facts. The kid is 7-years-old, an orphan, comes from another country and more than likely English is not his first language. OF COURSE IT’S GOING TO BE HARD THE FIRST YEAR!! The kid doesn’t understand what’s going on! Not only that but the officials in Russia said that when they would mention the name of the woman the kid would start crying saying she would pull his hair and shit. I’m sorry, that is just straight up, fucked up, people. You don’t want the kid? Fine, there are LEGAL ways to get rid of him. Inform the agency that he isn’t right and arrange for either then to pick him up, or adopt him to another family in the states close-by. You do not, EVER send a child alone on a plane for 16 hours.

Fact #2: Some 14-year-old kid in Russia killed his father by giving him a sledgehammer to the head not once, but twice while his father was sleeping. Why did he do it? Cause his parents had taken away his video games as a punishment. Now the entire world is going to start up on “SEE! VIDEO GAMES MAKE KIDS VIOLENT!!” No, fucktard. They don’t. That kid? He’s just fucked up, plain and simple fucked in the head. I’ve yelled at my parents for taking things away from me, thrown tantrums etc. I have never, will never, and couldn’t ever think of killing them for doing this. I have been playing video games since I was 3-years-old and I do not wish to kill my father with a sledgehammer while he’s sleeping. I know others that are the same way. So why this kid? Cause he’s fucked in the head. You want to know what’s really fucked up? After he killed his father the mom, who was scared out of her head, gave him back his keyboard. The kid played games for several hours before the police came to arrest him.

So what does this all mean? Fuck if I know but the world is starting to be just as fucking crazy as Florida and that is fucking crazy…..



Life is fun. One would assume that a day off meant a “day off” but not for this little Raven. On Wednesday I woke up earlier than normal to pick up the house keeper, who is subbing for the other house keeper, and take her back to my mother’s house so she can…..house keep. Instead of doing something sane like trying to go back to bed, I decided that Thursday would be the day to sleep in and today would be the day for doing!! Yes! So I picked up my new glasses (after waiting 20 – 25 minutes for the guy to find them cause he ‘misplaced’ them), got an oil change (which turned into new windshield wipers, oil change, flush, brake fluid etc etc) The mechanic was amazed that my car was doing so well, on account of I haven’t had my car checked/oil changed in over 4 years. GO TOYOTA!!

After I went to Ralph’s (for all you in other states “Ralph’s” is also known as “Kroger” don’t ask me why, it just is) and apparently it was “Old people in cars that are too big for them” hour. Literally every car in the parking lot was either a large SUV or a truck and everyone of the people driving them were old women that were shorter than me. Mind you, I’m 5’1″ and -I- was finding it difficult to even figure out how -I- could climb into one of those trucks. This one old woman was just sitting in her giant ass truck blocking the entire entrance/exit for other cars, just sitting there driving the rest of us nuts trying to figure out what the fuck she was doing. I finally slammed my car into reverse and just found a parking spot across the way. I parked, got out of my car, and reached the market before the old woman even moved her truck up a few feet. SIIIIIIGH. Anyways! I got the grocery shopping done for the fam, and good times were had by all! I could finally rest!

JUST KIDDING!! Had you fooled didn’t I? No, once I got home I was about to settle in and play some Final Fantasy 13 when my mom tells me that the house keeper is going back home today…not later in the week like I originally thought. So, just as I’m leaving I get told that there’s an accident on the main route to the trolley station, gotta take the long way around =D So she’s dropped off fine and all that and when I got home I made dinner for the family, served it, and cleaned up after. Then, finally, I got some sleep.

Dawn of the day from Hell. So I get woken up early by my mother, my dad is sick, she’s sick, and I need to go to Walgreens to save them from the peril of being sick!! So at 6:30 in the morning this little Raven is flying to Walgreens to grab meds and things unspeakable. When I get back it’s the start of a day of horror, as I stayed up with my father to help him, made my mother breakfast and brought it to her in her room. My sister was at Disneyland so I had no help what-so-ever. Not her fault, not like she planned it, but jeebus man!! What a day to be gone! So I’d say 7 or 8 hours into my “taking care of dad” watch a friend of mine stopped by, we’ll call her Vin, and brought me ramune and my father some very fantastic Aloe drink. She made my freaking day I got to have a nice little break and we watched Sherlock Holmes together. Vin, I love you!

In other news, my ex has been contacting me lately. I’m not sure how I feel about this, I should be anger ridden and wishing death upon him, but I’m just so tired of it all. I’ve come to just read the messages and let it be, honestly. It takes so much less energy, and I need all the energy I can get since I really don’t have days off. All my days off are spent helping the family, you know? I’m just really tired. HUZZAH FOR EMO POSTS ABOUT SLEEP!!

Honestly that’s about all that’s happened in the past couple of days, besides the regular stupidity at work (why can’t I use two coupons together?!?! “Cause it says cannot combine with other offer” SO WHY CAN’T I USE IT?!), things have been going well. I’m going back to college this summer! More on that later, until then, go cut yourself emo kid.

LOOOOOVVEEE YOOOOU



So yesterday was an amazing experience that I will sum up in one word: EPIC.

Didn’t start that way, oh no…you see, at my work we have a Junior Driving School for all the little kiddies. Every weekend at 9 in the morning we run up to 10 kids for an hour so their parents think we’re teaching them how to drive. Now normally I don’t mind this too much, yeah, I have to get up early, and yes I hate kids but it’s ok. However, when the 50-year-old father of one of said children says to me as I’m charging his card “You know, you remind me of one of my old girlfriends…” while his wife is standing next to him is just a TAD creepy. Now if he was just a sweet old guy trying to compliment me, yeah, it’s a weird way to do it, but I wouldn’t have been creeped out. No, this man was hitting on me folks…and the fact his wife didn’t hear a word was a testament to the family as a whole…

His kid was a peach, too. No, he wasn’t a horrible terror child, yes it’s ok for kids to be excited and giggly, but this was just TOO much. Like he had had one too many bumps in the go-kart, you know? He kept walking up to the instructors going “I’M GOING TO BEAT YOU! I’M THE BEST! YOU’RE GONNA DIE!!” like he was on some kind of trip. Now, I have always been amazed by the confidence of children, but this was almost scary; Kid was possessed. Did he do well in the school? Nope, came dead last…

Now to the part I actually want to talk about: PILLOW FIGHT!!! *throws pillow*

Yes folks, yesterday was the wondrous San Diego Pillow Fight down at Horton Plaza mall. You have no idea how amazingly epic that pillow fight was. Just around 5,000 people attended (coming and going, not all at once) and the feathers flew, pillows were thrown, laughter and smiles to be had, people!! It was amazing how many people stopped to ask me what was going on. “What does it look like? A pillow fight!!” they would ALWAYS respond “oh, why?” Like people need a reason to have a pillow fight! Honestly, and I’m being serious here, everyone wants to be a kid again. Even if it’s for 2 crazy hours on a Saturday, everyone wants that feeling again. The police showed up a little bit into it, I’m not sure if they were there to ‘keep the peace’ or to see what the hell was going on. I was fighting my way through a crowd and ran into a cop; literally ran into him. I looked at him and just said “Hi! Pillow?” and tried to hand him an extra one I found. He wouldn’t take it cause he was ‘on the clock’ but I told him I wouldn’t tell. He threw it, most awesome cop ever.

Farther in to the battle I was standing catching my breath when a random girl jumped on my back and shouted CHARGE!!! Which I did. We ran through the battlefield smacking people left and right and made it to the other side of all the people. She hopped off my back and said “thanks!” and ran off. I still don’t know who she is. Random Piggy-Back girl, who ever you are, you are amazing and I love you.

So over all yesterday was amazing and it sucks that you weren’t there. Here’s a video I made about the event and I hope to see you all next year.



So yesterday signaled the end of a stupid process to which my ex was the result. You see, back when we were living together I used to buy points for my X on Xbox Live (see what I did there?) and I guess when I left him (which I did in a hurry) I left my credit card number stored in the Xbox. Lo and behold a few months later I notice charges on my credit account for Live Points I didn’t buy. Begin the stupid process of calling my bank, having the card stopped, destroyed, and petitioning for the charges to be reversed. Honestly my bank is pretty awesome about that stuff and it didn’t feel like pulling teeth to talk with them; over all nice people.

However…since I’m a cynical and vindictive bitch, getting my money back wasn’t enough. You don’t treat me like crap and then steal my credit card, sorry. So I called up Microsoft to tell them my problem, and honestly all I asked was that my credit card be removed from his Xbox. Not only did they remove the card, they banned his account. So needless to say that day ended SO well.

My mom, sister and I went out to this awesome restaurant called “Antique Row” yesterday as well. While I was having myself an nice pasta I noticed this staring at me from across the booth made my freaking day.

So my good friend, we’ll call him Dr. Sweet, has studied for AGES in Cosmetology and as a result, he is the only person I will even let touch my hair. I got myself a haircut yesterday, and I love me some awesome hair. the man is a freaking genius with hair, I don’t care what anyone says.

Any how, as I’m driving home I decided to stop at my local 24/hr pharmacy to grab some hair dye and left with hair dye + scooby snacks. I love me some Scooby!! As I am having the cornucopia of processed fruit flavor in my mouth I noticed the back of the fruit packet had a warning label. Yes, there’s a warning label for fruit snacks now. OUR CHILDREN AREN’T SAFE!! THAT OR THEY’RE JUST STUPID!!! Honestly!! What are parents teaching kids these days that we need warning labels on our fruit snacks? I blame the parents entirely for this label. You hear that American parents? I’m looking at you!

Skip ahead, skip ahead…I woke up a little before 6 this morning, I was taking my dad into the Military Hospital to have a port put into him so they can readily administer his meds right into the lung for his Chemotherapy. I don’t know about you, but I want to go to a Military Hospital when I’m sick, these people are amazing. I have never been to a hospital or had a doctor that was as nice, informative, and accommodating as the folks down at the MH. It was raining down here when I went, for those of you who do not live in Southern California, rain is a rare sight and I enjoy it greatly. Most of the rest of “So-Cal” does not agree with me. It seems that all you need is one drop of water on your windshield and the entire community has a collective spaz attack. OH GOD THERE’S WATER FALLING FROM THE SKY!! HEAVEN MUST HAVE A PLUMBING PROBLEM!! QUICK!! WE MUST APPEASE THE PLUMBING LORDS BY SLAMMING INTO EACH OTHER AND DRIVING FRANTICALLY ON THE FREEWAY!!! The rain also brings out the snails….This little guy was taking up that whole side of the bench!! Bench hog…anyhow…

So after about 2 1/2 hours my dad comes out of surgery hopped up on all kinds of morphine. He’s singing to himself and saying things like “…..let’s get on a plane”  “lol wat?”   “a plane, let’s get on one, you have your passport?”  “sorry dad, don’t usually keep it on me”  “damn!” Now…where we would have gone, who knows! Who cares!? OFF TO ADVENTURE!! Ahem, so anyways, my dad is home safe and sound with a few more cables inside him that he didn’t have before. His assimilation is almost complete! The Borg ship is coming!!

All in all I’ve been ok the past 2 days, I’ve been keeping up with Final Fantasy 13, and honestly I’m still not impressed. It’s entertaining, but it’s not the staple of the series, nor are the mechanics what I think they should be. Once I beat the game I’ll do a video review and you can hear all about my ranting on it then, like I know you want to. You’re mad about me aren’t you?



et cetera